Why I help parents of addicted adult children (PAAC)
I don’t specialize in helping parents of addicted adult children because I’m a mental health counselor.
I specialize in helping parents because I’m a mental health counselor who is ALSO the parent of a child who has struggled with addiction.
In this post, I’ll tell you:
My personal experience that influenced how and why I help
A few of my professional qualifications that are tailor-made to help parents like you
Why all “help” for families/parents isn’t created equal
How I’m different
Let’s dig in.
It (kind of) started bout eight years ago, when I felt like I was being tortured from the inside. I was stressed to the point of chest pain; I was arguing with people I loved - more days than not; I felt trapped and wondered if I would ever be happy again.
These experiences are, sadly, very common for anyone who lives with an addicted loved one.
Parents are especially vulnerable to the chaos and stress that addiction brings with it – because they love their children more than anything. When your child is hurt or in danger, you feel it in your heart. And, you are ready to dive in and fix everything.
So, it makes sense when you do everything in your power to fight addiction and help your child. You think there is something you must be able to do – since you’ve been fixing things for this person their entire life.
But when your now adult child doesn’t do the things you want them to do, and addiction is in the mix, ugh…you start trying to control all the things that are literally beyond your control…and life becomes full of stress. Suddenly, you feel like your peace of mind has been taken hostage… And at a time in life when you thought you’d be able to focus more on yourself - having raised your kids to adulthood. 😅
Instead, my world was thrown WAY out of whack and my peace of mind vanished into thin air. 💨
Now, you need to know that I am a person who has always been very possessive about my peace, freedom, and happiness. They are some of my deepest values. So, it was unacceptable to me that they now felt out of reach.
Lucky for me, I’m also a person who has been reading about “self improvement” and finding peace since I was a teenager. I became a mental health therapist after years of overcoming my own struggles with anxiety and other issues. I started studying meditation and Mindfulness before they were cool, because I wanted to be enlightened. 😊 🧘 And, I love solving complex people problems.
I started looking deeply into what was keeping me stuck in stress.
I dissected my own thinking, feelings, and behavior. I applied the wisdom of Buddhist teachings and psychotherapeutic evidence-based practices that I help my clients with all the time.
I was determined to find the solutions that would lead me to be happy and free to focus on my life again.
And, I also wanted to be a “good Mom.” I wanted to be helpful, kind, and loving to my child.
So, I did it! 💪
Several months later:
💖 I was focusing on my own life, without stewing in guilt or wondering if I should be doing more for my child.
💖 I knew what I was willing to do for my child, and what I wasn’t - and I was able to adhere to my own boundaries.
💖 My relationship with my child went back to being healthy and loving - honestly, it’s better in some ways than ever before.
Yes, there are still moments of emotional pain (this is normal); but I no longer get “stuck” in it. Gone are the days of feeling tortured, stressed out, and like I can’t do what I want because of my child’s addiction.
But, here’s the thing that I learned along the way…and the thing that is super important about how I help other PAAC (parents of addicted adult children):
Before I was in this situation with my own adult child…I had no idea of the array of complex, interconnected, nuanced problems that parents of addicted adult children face. As “just” a therapist, I didn’t know what was going on under the surface for parents and their families.
And, when you don’t know what problems exist…you certainly can’t solve them.
This is what I found out when I sought help from other therapists when I was suffering…
I was given so much advice that just didn’t help. Instead they offered trite “solutions” that didn’t take into consideration the unique (and invisible) variables at play.
I even saw a few “recovery professionals” talking on Youtube, and - while they did say a few things that were *potentially* helpful - it was nothing beyond the obvious. Other things I heard were, frankly, just wrong. Frustrating. 😤
Again: you can’t solve a problem if you don’t truly understand it…and all the factors that contribute to it.
I also felt judged by some of these other professionals - and was treated as if I didn’t know what I needed as a mom…or what my own child, with his unique personality, needed.
Now, don’t get me wrong, most people have good intentions and want to help. They just don’t always know how. And, often, they are trying to solve something they THINK is the problem, but it’s not the actual problem.
In contrast, when someone already knows what the problems are - and what perpetuates or solves them… you get results WAY faster… and for good.
So, once I achieved my own peace and studied the factors that contributed to it…
I started helping other parents in this disorienting situation.
I found out that my *unique* position as both a PAAC AND a therapist who specializes in anxiety, stress, and obsessive thinking/worry, allowed me to fill a gaping chasm for parents.
So, I dove in to help. I couldn’t just sit by and keep these solutions to myself! 😇
I opened up a Facebook group for parents of addicted adult children (I had to close it due to time constraints a few years later), and I began working with parents individually also.
I later created an entire video “handbook” for PAAC called, “Zen in the Midst of Chaos.” It comprised research-informed practices that addressed the unique issues parents face, along with Mindfulness Meditations that they could apply right away to help those issues.
I ran workshops, in which I guided parents through the methods I teach.
I gave presentations to parent recovery groups and to other therapists about what helps and what doesn’t.
I learned even more about the obstacles that keep parents stuck in what I call the…
“Pain - Control - Stress Cycle.”
I literally remember spending hours and months identifying and analyzing the many problems parents faced (this sometimes kept me up at night - but in a FUN way), and I would then come up with long-term solutions.
I told you I like solving complex problems! 🤓
Through my education, experience, and dedicated exploration, I was able to identify the actions that actually help parents in this situation AND the actions that make things worse (unfortunately, these are things we’re often told we “should” do).
After personally working with hundreds of clients, I have honed my approach down to a science.
I’m often stunned by how much my experience seems “tailor-made” to help PAAC:
I’ve been a specialist who studies and treats anxiety issues and OCD for over a decade; and this helped me to see how parents were engaging in obsessive thinking and worry that was similar to my clients; which enabled me to apply methods that actually work to help them
I’ve overcome my own panic and anxiety issues - which give me true insight to all factors that make them worse…or better
I was a university adjunct professor of “Stress & Stress Management” (Stress…what stress?? 🤣)
I’ve been practicing Mindfulness Meditation and studying Buddhist teachings for over 25 years (which are all about suffering and the cessation of suffering ). This has been incredibly helpful in my work with parents in so many ways - one of which is how to approach the heartache that parents experience.
On a more personal note... I’m a sensitive “empath” type who can just sense what behavior and thoughts will lead to either more or less suffering for individuals and relationships - including parents and their *kids*
And, I also grew up with a sibling who had a substance use disorder that affected my entire family - and I saw from this what tended to help or not
And, of course, I’ve been in your shoes as a parent.
I love my work helping parents of addicted adult children (PAAC) because they’re bombarded by SO MANY elements that cause suffering.
After studying the nuanced problems parents face and personally working with hundreds of clients, I have honed my approach down to a science.
So much of the “help” for parents out there tends to be “cookie-cutter” advice about:
Enabling
Setting boundaries
Communication
Self-care
Reinforcing “positive” behavior (don’t even get me started on this one…🙄)
And, while these things can be important… they’re often twisted into mechanisms that provide, at best, temporary relief… or they backfire, cause more despair and stress, and further strain relationships because they don’t account for actual human nature.
I can’t tell you how many times parents have told me that they’ve given up or blamed themselves for not “being able” to do the things they’ve been told to do by other professionals…or that they’ve spent thousands of dollars -only to be even more stressed out than before.
This is where my combination of PAAC experience and expertise in research-informed practices, anxiety, and relationships really matters.
I offer methods that make sense, work with human nature, and that are tailored to you and your family’s reality.
My methods are also practical, so that you can start applying them right away to increase your peace, compassion, and confidence.
Ok, you’ve heard a lot from me. 😊
Here’s what a few of the wonderful parents (in my various classes or individual work) have said:
“Victoria…has been a blessing with helping me deal with and understand so much about addicted adult children. I have an addicted daughter and when I first contacted Victoria, I had already seen a few counselors/therapists and they all had the same “textbook” responses.
This is how I knew Victoria was the real deal as she had different answers for my questions. It was not what I wanted to hear but actual facts…
Everything she speaks is RAW & REAL. Victoria speaks to me- not at or above me as I have experienced with previous counselors. I trust her with everything I say. When you listen to her talk…you will feel safe, warm, respected, and more importantly truly cared about as a human being.” ~ L. D., South Carolina
“You have picked up from where that info (Al Anon/Nar Anon) leaves off. And as far as I know, no one has really done that effectively except you." ~ Anonymous parent
“I went back through the handout and the notes I took this morning and was taken back by how pragmatic and workable the strategies you provided are. I really believe they will be so helpful when things get dicey in the future. You are the only one providing this material that I have found and I’m so thankful I just 'happened' upon your website…last year.”
~ M.O.
Of course, I always appreciate hearing/reading things like this. 😊
But, what’s most rewarding for me in my work with parents is two-fold:
Parents who have addicted adult children are in a painful position. They deserve compassion and REAL solutions for what they’re going through. I love seeing the “ah-ha’s” when I work with parents and they realize that they can once again be confident, calm, and have healthy relationships their children.
Helping their adult children: What I help parents with always enables them to be kind, loving, and compassionate to their adult children. I never want adult children with addiction problems (or any child, for that matter) to feel unloved or bad about themselves.
Perhaps like you, I’m a natural helper. But, helping parents (and their children in this way) also helps me. I’m aware of the stigma and judgment that can come with addiction in families. So, I LOVE educating parents and giving them the tools that can contribute to better treatment of individuals with substance use disorders and their loved ones.
I have a secret fantasy that parents will become so serene and so wise (I’m thinking Dalai Llama…Yoda…🤔) that they become an example to their kids and everyone else, without trying.
If you’re still stressed out by your adult child, or if you are tormenting yourself repeatedly about what you “should be” doing for them, make sure you’re signed up for my emails, where I’ll send you notifications about new blog posts that will help, online groups for parents, and more. If you want to learn more about me and how I help, click on the button below.