You’re up at 3 am again… 4 steps to stop the dark thoughts
I know you’re tired of lying awake in bed playing out all the worst-case scenarios and worrying about everything to do with your addicted adult child. You just can’t turn your mind off.
If you’re nodding your head and want to know how to finally address this issue - without being told to do a bunch of “sleep routine” nonsense you’re not going to do…read on.
In this post, I’m going to cover:
Why this keeps happening, especially if you’re the parent of an addicted adult child (PAAC)
A few things you may have been told to do that DON’T usually work
4 simple (research-informed) steps that CAN help - and you can implement tonight!
What to do if you need more help with excessive worry and catastrophic thinking
Let’s dive in, starting with how this pattern shows up and WHY.
Your mind is extra vulnerable.
When you wake up at 3 AM and find yourself worrying about everything to do with your addicted adult child (AAC), it can obviously disrupt your sleep and keep your mind spinning. Not only are you up in the middle of the night, not getting the rest you need; you may also be experiencing the anxiety, heartache, and stress that accompany these thoughts. The thinking and emotional distress go hand-in-hand.
This emotional pain is NORMAL when you have a child with a substance use disorder. I want to validate the heck out of this.
It’s also normal to try to get rid of this pain. But, this is where our minds come in - usually in an unhelpful way.
One way that human beings try to get out of pain is to go up in their heads and try to figure out what they cannot figure out. This leads to and exacerbates worry, rumination, obsessions, and catastrophic thinking. Worry can actually be a compulsive activity (rumination is a compulsive mental activity) that we engage in to avoid or escape our emotional pain.
Worry can obviously happen during the day as well. For PAAC, it’s often triggered after an upsetting interaction with your adult child, or when you’re really involved in their (less than pleasant) day-to-day circumstances.
Many of the parents I work with find that they’re *okay* during the day because they’re usually too busy to be thinking about the situation with their child.
But if you wake up in the middle of the night, your mind is a bit foggy and it’s off to the races:
Is my child okay? Has something bad happened?
Should I be doing more to help?
What if they show up and ask me for money again? Will I be able to say no?
Are they capable of seeking the help they need?
UGH, it can be relentless! 😩
During the day, you have things to do. You don’t have time or space to address the pain that comes with this situation. And, let’s face it, you probably don’t want to - it’s not exactly fun.
This means that the stress, anxiety, and pain that keep triggering the dreaded thoughts stay just under the surface. They’re just waiting to pounce in the darkness - when your mind is more vulnerable, and since you don’t have a specific task to focus on while you’re lying in bed, trying to sleep.
You’re certainly not alone in this experience. In fact, it makes perfect sense and is even explained by science:
There are structures that work together in the brain that neuroscientists have labeled the “default mode network.” When we are not focused on specific tasks, this network functions to:
Project us into the past or future (Sound familiar?? What did I do wrong as a parent…What’s going to happen and how will I feel…?)
Scan for problems - (Which makes you try to figure out everything you can’t figure out right now, when you’re foggy-headed and your stress response is on!)
So, you are literally up against biology. Our brains evolved for safety…not happiness. 🫤
A deeper problem.
And while this nighttime ritual feels absolutely terrible, there’s a bigger problem that it both indicates and fuels.
For most of the parents I work with, the ongoing stress, anxiety, and emotional pain that comes with this situation is NOT being addressed helpfully during the day.
This is not your fault. And, there’s a really good reason for it. It happens (at first) out of the deep, unconditional love and desire to protect your child.
Having an adult child with a drug/alcohol addiction (who may also have other serious mental health conditions, or who may be homeless) is an extraordinarily disorienting and painful situation. You are faced with agonizing uncertainty that tends to generate stress and worry.
It totally makes sense that you are triggered into spiraling thoughts and worries. And most of us haven’t been taught how to skillfully work with our own minds - let alone the complex array of challenges that you face.
What we may have heard from friends, social media posts, or even well-meaning professionals is usually not all that helpful. In fact, much of the misinformation out there does little to help the parents I work with - and it can actually backfire and cause more harm than good.
So-called “Tips and Tricks” such as positive thinking, practicing gratitude, meditating (in certain ways), and reciting positive affirmations tend to be “bandaids” that aren’t sustainable. Or worse, they can literally fuel the battle going on in your mind.
Fortunately, there are ways to effectively reduce the constant thoughts that go over and over in your mind. Yes, even at 3AM. 😮💨
As the parent of an addicted adult child AND a licensed psychotherapist who has spent years specializing in anxiety, stress, and obsessive thinking, I’ve heard so many recommended techniques that DO NOT HELP with this issue.
The good news is that I’ve also discovered how to apply methods that actually help us parents.
The even better news is that the approaches that do help are very practical and simpler than you might think. (Of course, simple doesn’t always mean easy. 😬)
Not only can you decrease the time you spend lying in bed awake at the mercy of your own thoughts. You can learn how to work with your own mind, in a way that helps at all hours of the day - and in a way that will help you skillfully deal with the underlying pain and concerns that come with this chronically stressful situation.
And, when you apply these (research-informed) strategies that work with human nature, and not against it (aforementioned tips and tricks), you will gain a sense of confidence and peace, because you’ll know exactly what to do when your mind is hijacked by the “dark thoughts,” the “what-ifs,” and the self-blaming whenever they occur.
Let’s get into it.
4 steps to exit a 3 AM mind spiral (can be used anytime 😉)
*Before we start: It’s best to practice all the steps during the day at least once before you try them in the middle of the night…AND it’s best to practice them for the first time when you aren’t highly upset or stressed. This makes it more likely that you’ll be able to apply them properly when you ARE more upset and not thinking as clearly.*
Step 1: Increase Awareness
Recognizing what’s happening may sound obvious, but you may be so swept away by your mind that you aren’t fully aware of being swept away - you’re just along for the ride.
Awareness of what’s going on gives you the opportunity to more quickly address it.
So, the first step is Awareness of the process. I want you to just recognize or notice that “Oh, I’m in it again. My mind is worrying or spinning.” You can do this wordlessly too.
Step 2: Don’t Fight…Invite
This is where it gets a bit tricky. What comes after Awareness is really important.
Fortunately (and contrary to popular belief) you do NOT need to “quiet your mind.” 😮💨
What we usually do after we notice that we’re in a negative thought spiral, is that we start to fight our own minds somehow.
This is like struggling in quicksand. And, what happens when someone struggles in quicksand?
Exactly. 😫
This can look like:
Getting frustrated and upset that the thoughts are happening again
Beating yourself up for not being able to stop the thoughts
Trying to think positively
Going into other spirals of guilty feelings, “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s,” etc.
While all of the above are totally natural, they aren’t usually helpful.
Instead of engaging in all sorts of mental gymnastics in order to fight, get rid of, or avoid our negative thoughts, we want to do something that is simple - but that takes practice.
We want to ACCEPT the thoughts, with self-compassion and understanding.
This may seem radical - and it can be because we’re doing the opposite of what we usually do.
But, the MOMENT you start wrestling with your thoughts, you’re caught.
Getting frustrated and worrying about how you’ll ever fall back to sleep just exacerbates the stress and makes it more difficult. Instead, I want you to be truly compassionate with yourself.
This simply means you recognize that you are in a state of suffering right now; and that it makes sense these thoughts are happening. It’s a pattern. And, you love your child and you want them to be happy and healthy. It’s really okay to have these thoughts. You just don’t want to fuel them.
And, when you fight them in any way, that’s exactly what you’re doing.
Again, there is research that demonstrates this concept, which is called the ironic process, or the “White Bear problem.”
It basically means that the more you try to suppress certain thoughts, the more likely it is that you’ll think about them even more - and more intensely. 🙃
We do not want to wrestle with our own thoughts and minds. It’s a trap. The game is rigged.
So, we are going to do something else. We’re going to be nice to these thoughts. This doesn’t mean you LIKE these thoughts - why would you? That’s fine and we’re not pretending you do. It just means we are allowing them - because trying to chase them away creates more stress.
This acceptance and actually “inviting” the thoughts to come and go as they please does something helpful immediately:
It gets us out of our heads, even if only for a moment. By seeing what’s happening and saying to ourselves, “It’s ok to have these thoughts; I’m going to let them spin around as long as they need to on their own,” we are exiting the merry-go-round and responding instead of reacting.
What we resist persists. So, no resisting, no fighting. For real.
Step 3: Signal Versus Noise
This step is necessary because if you believe that your worries and negative thoughts are IMPORTANT or that you NEED to give them your attention, it will be extremely difficult to disengage from the thoughts. So, we need to differentiate between the thoughts that are signals versus those that are noise.
Here’s how you implement this strategy:
Ask yourself on the spot (in bed or elsewhere): “Do I know that I need to, or want to, do something about this situation that will help - that I’m actually willing to do?” If so, what is it, and when does it make sense to do it?
If you know you need to do something now, go ahead and do it. If you think of something you want/need to do later, it might be best to write it down on a notepad so that your mind will trust that you won’t forget your idea and leave you alone. You don’t have to actually carry this out, if you decide later (in the daytime) that it’s not helpful.
Important Note: for parents I work with, there is almost never anything that they need to do right then, in the middle of the night. Often, there is nothing they KNOW they want/need to do later either.
If you can’t think of something specific pretty quickly - then there is NO signal. In this case, you treat these thoughts as NOISE.
So, what is noise? The same old scary and upsetting stories that play on repeat. Nothing really new going on here that you can actually figure out by thinking about it more. This is classic rumination.
Which brings us to the final step…
Step 4: Disengage From The Noise
Remember, you are not trying to get rid of the thoughts. You are approaching them differently by disengaging from them.
You are allowing the thoughts to spin around in your mind on their own, but you are not putting your attention on the thoughts. There is a difference between awareness of thoughts and directing attention to thoughts.
You can’t make thoughts stop, contrary to popular belief. Instead, the thoughts will peter out by themselves or stop causing suffering when you truly view and treat them as unimportant (thus allowing you to fall back to sleep).
It can help a lot (especially in the middle of the night) to give your mind another focus in order to decrease the attention you place on the “mind chatter.”
You can bring your attention to something in your present moment reality (Mindfulness). You can choose what that is - depending on what you find helpful (and not overwhelming):
It can help to start by asking yourself how you are feeling right then, about the situation you’re thinking about.
This might look like a “I’m anxious.” Or, “I’m sad.” (If you can’t label the emotion, no worries.)
And, then you simply bring your attention to how you feel physically in your body, while that emotion is there.
When I’m caught in automatic, distressing thoughts, I can feel some tension right at my temples and in my head. When I’m feeling sad, I may feel a heaviness or even pain in my chest. This strategy won’t necessarily feel good - it’s not supposed to. Although, with practice, it can feel like a relief to finally see and respond to yourself in this way (it’s actually my favorite).
If you’re too overwhelmed by the felt sense of emotions in your body, you don’t need to choose this. OR, you can say, I’ll observe these sensations for a minute and then I’ll focus on something else.
You can find a part of your body that isn’t associated with painful feelings. This may mean focusing on the breath in your belly, your arms, or even your feet (which often feel more “neutral”).
No matter where in your body you place your attention, you really want to feel it from the inside out. You want to observe it like you don’t want to miss anything.
You’re not THINKING about how it feels; you’re just feeling it.
Important: Just like thoughts, you don’t want to try to get rid of sensations in your body that may be uncomfortable, but are not dangerous. If you try to change the sensations, it tends to actually increase them (ironic process).
You can also bring your attention to the environment you’re in somehow. If in bed, you can really focus on the mattress or the sheets’ softness, warmth, coolness, the pillow on your cheek or perhaps a soothing sound in the room. Whatever helps you to stay present and disengage from your mind’s chatter.
Lastly, if you need some outside help, it may be worth turning on your electronic device and finding a guided meditation. There are Apps and, of course, websites for this.
This can be helpful, but beware: not all meditations are created equal.
For our purpose here, I like mindfulness meditations that help us to disengage from our minds - by not trying to change or control our thoughts, breath, or anything else. It shouldn’t feel like work. Instead you want one that just directs you to pay attention to what is already going on, in or around you - just like the options I offered.
I recommend finding a meditation like this during the day - so that you’re not struggling to search for a good one on your phone in the middle of the night.
Reminder: Mindfulness is referred to as a practice for a reason: because it takes practice. Most of us need to consciously disengage from our thoughts over and over again. That’s to be expected. And this will help you to build the muscle of getting out of your head (when it’s not being helpful) and into the present moment. So, don’t beat yourself up when it doesn’t magically stop the thoughts. Remember, we’re not stopping them - we’re accepting them, and then disengaging, after we’ve deemed them “noise.”
What if you try these steps… and you still struggle with the constant thoughts?
I get it. The worries and thought spirals can be sticky. You are not alone if you practice and are still frustrated. First of all, give yourself some compassion. It can be really difficult.
If you understand and apply the methods but still don’t find relief, it usually indicates one and/or two issues:
1. You are somehow still not truly accepting your thoughts and/or the discomfort that comes with them. This is not uncommon. We are ingrained with trying to control.
Are you using these practices in order to make the thoughts stop? If yes, you’re back in the cycle that causes the thoughts to increase. You want to really accept them - not just “test” if “acceptance” will make them go away.. That’s not acceptance.
2. There are other behavioral or cognitive processes going on that keep triggering the thoughts. So, if you keep trying to control your adult child, micromanage their life, sacrifice your well-being due to enabling or trying to control what you can’t, your mind can’t help but keep generating thoughts and feelings that come from this behavior. Your mind is then telling you that something else needs to change, if you want to reduce your suffering (it’s a “signal.”) Unhelpful beliefs and assumptions will also cause and perpetuate stress, anxiety, and distressing thoughts.
These factors are different for each individual; but they need to be addressed in order to stop adding layers of suffering to your mind and to your situation. This is what I help parents with in my practice all the time. I identify the often subtle, but common thinking and behavior that leads to continued stress. I plan to address some of these variables in future posts, but identifying and working with them in a helpful way is essential for long-term peace and well-being.
Be gentle and just practice.
As you begin to work with the thoughts that hijack your mind, be compassionate with yourself and remember that you are literally just practicing these steps. If you get stuck, don’t fret! These practices are simple - but that doesn’t mean they are easy. Always listen to yourself and don’t try to force anything in applying them. And, if you need more help, reach out to a mental health counselor who has expertise in this “acceptance model” of anxiety and rumination.
If your practice reveals other issues you need to work on… that’s actually a really positive thing (though it may not feel like it). It means that you’re starting to see the layers of suffering. Which gives you the opportunity to take care of those layers.
And, when you know how to take care of your suffering in a skillful way, you suffer less. 😅
Not only will this benefit you: when you prioritize your health and well-being, you can’t help but benefit your loved ones - it’s not just an expression; it’s automatic.
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