Are you letting your adult child see their “side of the street?”
Amy is an awesome Mom and one of my favorite clients. She’s smart, reliable; and she - like most Moms I work with - really wants to do the right thing to help her adult child who has a substance use disorder.
She calls herself an overachiever (sometimes a “control freak”), which I can totally relate to.🙋
Because of these tendencies, and because she loves her children more than anything, she tried everything to get her son to “see the light” and go into recovery.
She researched recovery centers and programs, and tried to get her son to talk to the professionals there.
She filled out job applications for her son, thinking that if he was just employed, he would be motivated to stop using substances.
She argued and pleaded with her son to start being responsible and get his s#!+ together.
And, when these strategies didn’t work, Amy educated herself on effective ways to communicate and learned “motivational interviewing” from a recovery center - because a professional said that she should. And, because she wanted to be a “good Mom.”
She was an A+ student and learned all the techniques out there she could find. 😇
She told me that she had become obsessed with what to say to her son that would help.
But nothing worked.
This common and predictable dynamic between Amy and her son resulted in three main problems:
✳️ Amy was spending so much time and energy trying to motivate her son to change, that her mind and body were in a chronic state of stress.
She was battling herself and her son, which resulted in her nervous system being in “fight or flight” mode most of the time. She was so focused on how to help her son, that she stopped focusing on her own life and interests. And, her self-care routine didn’t do much for her stress, discouragement, and constant rumination about what she “should” do next.
✳️ Amy’s relationship with her son was strained and damaged - because there was no hiding the fact that she wanted him to change. He knew this and it drove a wedge between them.
Their relationship had been reduced to: Mom using her “bag of tricks” to make him change, which was stressful for both of them. Or, she dreaded hearing from her son because he only contacted her when he wanted something. And she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to say no.
✳️ The way that Amy was trying to help her son was making it really difficult for her son to accept responsibility for his own problems.
You’ve probably heard the expression, “Keeping your side of the street clean.” It’s a recovery expression that means you can only change your own behavior and work on things you can control, in order to improve your life.
Because Amy was regularly hanging out on her son’s “side of the street,” trying to solve all his problems, her son didn’t have the space or incentive to look around and see his own mess as his.
And, if you don’t see a mess as yours… Why would you want to clean it up?
When Amy met with me in one of my Therapeutic Intensives, she was fed up.
She felt disappointed, depressed, and didn’t know what to do next. She was exhausted from dealing with her son and was resorting to “overeating” to cope with her emotions…
She was afraid that nothing could get better, but she said she wanted to meet with me to see if there was anything left to try.
I am so glad Amy reached out!
We dove into her patterns of communication and behavior with her son.
I guided her through my “5 C Framework” for parents of addicted adult children, which identifies all the factors that keep parents in stress and suffering.
During our 2.5 hour Therapeutic Intensive:
💖 Amy identified what she wanted to do more of and less of, with her son and in her life.
Sometimes, Moms can do this on their own. BUT, in my experience, Moms in particular tend to conflate what they WANT to do with what they think they SHOULD do. The urge to be a “good Mom” is strong! Luckily, I can usually spot this when it’s happening.
💖 We established the boundaries that went hand-in-hand with Amy’s goals, and how to put them in place in a way that increased her chance of keeping them.
💖 She learned why all the communication techniques she had been using weren’t working, and how she could start sending the message that her son was responsible for cleaning up his side of the street.
💖 I modeled for Amy how she could talk to her son in a compassionate way, where she could just be Mom again and show him unconditional love and acceptance.
We even got to use some role plays for practice - my favorite.
💖 I guided Amy through practical exercises that enable her to tolerate - instead of react to - her anxiety, guilt, and grief. THIS is the number one thing (in my not so humble opinion, lol) that allows parents to make changes that are helpful - but that can be so emotionally difficult. This is how we can decrease our reactivity, and start responding with wisdom.
💖 She saw how she was still trying to control what she couldn’t control - which is a recipe for ongoing stress. These can be subtle and overlooked by many individuals. But I have radar for control attempts and for all the things we do that cause and maintain suffering.
💖 I taught Amy how she could apply “Mindful Eating” so that she could stop using food to numb her emotions, and get back to listening to her body and naturally lose excess weight. I used to run a Mindful Eating group and used it in my own life to stop dieting, so I just happened to be able to help with this too.
Amy walked away from our meeting with a clear plan for staying on her side of the street, for her emotional reactivity, and for the way she wanted to show up in her life and relationships.
🌟 Now, when she talks to her son, she practices placing the responsibility for his problems “squarely in his lap.” AND, she is back to being a sweet and understanding Mom.
🌟 She has started focusing on her own life more. She isn’t checking on her son (by text) every day anymore. She is giving him the space to experience his own problems.
🌟 She is making progress with her boundaries, saying no more often to all the errands and running around for her son. As a result, he is learning that Mom is not the “go-to” to fix everything.
🌟 More and more, she is living the way she wants to, while also having a healthy and loving relationship with her son.
Maybe even more importantly, she is developing the confidence that she is doing the “right” things for her son. She knows that she makes good decisions about what to do - and not do. She doesn’t have to marinate in guilt, regret, or worry anymore. 😮💨
As for Amy’s son… she has given him the opportunity to see and take care of his own problems.
I’m sharing this with you today because so many parents think that there is nothing they can do to improve their situation or their relationships with their addicted adult children. If you’ve been dealing in a stressful situation like this for a while, it can feel like it can’t get any better.
But, OMGosh, there is usually so much that parents can learn and apply to make things better for themselves and their adult children. If you’re suffering, I want you to know that it’s so possible to improve your family relationships and get your life back on track.
It may be way simpler than you think, too.
In fact, if you’re like Amy - educated in all the things you’re “supposed to” do and say - it can be especially frustrating when nothing you do seems to work.
Instead of doubling down on techniques that don’t work (maybe because others have told you that they should 😣)...
There are usually simple shifts that make all the difference - that are so much more practical than what you’ve been taught before.
I’ll end this post with two helpful questions you can ask yourself as a parent (⚠️ it can be difficult to answer honestly!):
👉 Am I giving my adult child the opportunity to see and take responsibility for their own problems?
👉 Whose side of the street are you cleaning?